The Inbox Dilemma

Before I started making content, I used to watch ASMR vids all the time.  Haha, that hasn't changed since starting my own channel, but for a couple years I only had the perspective of a consumer.  If I commented on a video I loved, and the person wrote back to me---it made me so happy.  I wrote to Maria once after finding ASMR through her, and using her vids to conk out every night, and she wrote back to me---and it made my night.  I was with a friend, and started shrieking "MARIA WROTE TO ME, MARIA WROTE TO ME!" and of course my friend was like "okaaaaay....so?" Same thing happened when I wrote to Amal back in the day.   People who don't have ASMR don't understand how the videos help some of us.  They help where nothing else can, in a way that nothing else can.

In my real life, I feel indebted to people who help me.  I engage in reciprocal relationships, and try to maintain equality as far as emotional investment and actions are concerned.  I also have a hard time forgetting things---my brain just doesn't let me.  So "letting go" of certain sentiments is difficult for me.  When content creators write to me, or comment on my vids, I still fangirl.  I fangirl all the time...it's ridiculous.  Even ones that I talk to frequently, still make me "squeeee" when I see them in a comment.  I sometimes worry that they won't understand why I get so excited, or so wordy...but my concern always gets overridden by fangirling...fangirling always wins.

Because of my experiences feeling that delight, I try to respond to every person who writes to me.  I feel that if someone takes the time to write to me, I will take the time to write back to them.  Almost all of you don't know that I have had to use a wrist brace for the last few months when I type.  If I don't, my pinky and ring finger start KILLING, and the pain travels down the outside of my hand and forearm.

Recently I had to make the decision to stop responding to inbox messages on Facebook and Youtube.  This still causes me to feel a sense of guilt and inadequacy.  If I had more hands, or more time, this wouldn't be a problem---but I don't, and I had to decide to maintain a healthy balance between my Youtube and personal life, and my physical health (as far as my hand goes).

I want to keep being able to respond to people for as long as possible.  The inboxes are hard to navigate, as you have to open and read through much longer messages (so responses tend to be longer as well).  The time that goes into reading messages is much greater than it is for comments, and I have to sift through a lot of inappropriate messages to get to the ones from the right people.  I know that it is the best decision for me.  I know that if another content creator was going through the same "struggle" with it, I would tell them they need to do what's right for them.  Knowing those things still doesn't take away my feelings of guilt.  I am a weird girl...some of you might have suspected by now, ahaha.  I feel things sometimes in persistent and unreasonable amounts...especially when it comes to debts.  I feel like the people who watch my vids, and encourage and support me, help me immensely --so I feel like not being able to respond through every venue is a failure to repay a debt.  And that feeling sucks.

I wrote this because I wanted people to understand that my not writing back to inbox messages isn't because I don't value their words, or the time they took to create them.  I just can't do it all.  I still try to respond to every comment on youtube, facebook, and reddit.  I hope those who read this little blog understand what I'm trying to convey.

Since this entry was kind of serious, here's a saucy Troll Cat pic to hopefully make you smile.




The LSP image was provided under a Creative Commons license at http://www.flickr.com/photos/mooshuu/5974838531/  image by Mooshuu