Wednesday, April 24, 2013

The Draw My Life Video

A little while ago, I got a request from theswisswereright to do a "draw my life video."  I had seen Jenna Marbles and Phil do theirs, and I really liked watching them---but I wasn't super keen on doing one myself.  I am very vigilant about my privacy (I always have been), and it takes a lot for me to trust someone with information about myself --so I figured this type of video was absolutely not up my alley.

I don't know how I even got started doing it.  I found myself jotting things down for it one night, and doing it the next.  My cat knocked over my tripod and broke it, and instead of using it as an excuse to stop, I immediately went out and spent $50 (omg whyyyyy) on a new tripod so I could finish it.  For an hour and 50 mins, I just sat...drawing.  It was interesting:  I didn't feel much while doing it...I just kind of let my brain tell the story it felt safe disclosing.

When I got near the end, I stuttered.  I didn't know how to depict the more present day aspects.  I told my best friend that I was doing this kind of video, and he said "WHAT?!"  He knew from first hand experience that the things I would be talking about were things I didn't talk about to anyone.  I told him I didn't know how to end it, and he said "Don't filter it, just do what feels right."

But I didn't know what felt right.

I had been feeling a bit off---no that's a lie---I had been feeling a lot off in regards to certain relationships for a few weeks before doing the D.M.L.V, and my struggle was coming from not knowing where my relationships stood.  How was I supposed to finish speaking about my life, if I myself was unsure about it?  It should be easy to make stick figures and ramble about your days---it's not...not if you want to be truthful.

Even though it was a story told on a white board---something that can be erased in seconds---there is definitely a feeling of permanence that accompanies it.  It was easy for me to draw the past, because it was over, I knew the resolutions, I had my closure.  But the present was much more delicate, since I didn't want to include things I might lose.  I was trying to protect myself from the emotional repercussions of dry erase markers, hahahaha.  That's when I came back to "Just let it happen."

Upon the advice of the same person who first said it, I dropped the filters, and I just let it happen.  I drew what I held dear.  I sped up the footage.  I recorded my voice telling my story, and telling people what this ASMR journey meant to me.  After I was done, I felt so calm.  I wasn't drained, or melancholy...I just was...and it felt good (if that makes any sense).  I posted it to youtube, and I ran.  I do that---I call it the "post and run."  I didn't know how people would receive it.  I avoided it at all costs for the rest of the night.  I didn't want to lose the cathartic release and replace it with anxiety or frustration.  My friend messaged me to talk about it and said  "Are you seeing the comments?!"  I said "Nope.  I won't look at it.  I can't yet."  He said "It's incredible!"

Because I was stubborn and still in that uncomfortable post-posting place (dat alliteration, haha), I still wouldn't look at it.  The next day I resolved to see the "damage."  I was expecting comments I had gotten before (after I posted my drawing video) like "This was too personal, I can't get ASMR from this,"  or "I don't want to know about you, I just want to be triggered,"  etc.

Usually I get 200-250 comments overnight on a new video.  On this one I had nearly 500, and the number was going up steadily.  My inboxes had blown up on youtube and facebook.  I was gobsmacked.  People were responding in such sincere ways, and sending such personal messages. There were certian people I could feel understand...and I'm sure that sounds super nonsensical, but it's real even if it sounds wonky.  I received pages long letters, video responses, artwork---things that made me cry, things that made me smile, and absolutely nothing that warranted the hesitation I felt in the first place.

I am still catching up on comments and messages because of that video.  I am so behind in time, but I don't regret it for a second.  That video did something for me, and it appears it did something for others...and that's the whole point of my channel---to give back, help people feel good, and sleep.  I have never been moved by strangers like I was from the responses to that video.  It was more than the +1 for humanity feeling.  It was beautiful.

I feel redundant because I keep saying "thank you," but I mean it every time.  I hope whoever reads this knows that.  Thank you.  <3

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

"I'm a real boy!"

Phew.  I finally got my robot role play out.  I had such a fun time making it, but like always, upon reviewing it, I saw a million things I wished were different.  My hair is frizzy.  My doctor jacket makes me look like a football player.  I wish I didn't have to scale my dinning room table to get to the left side of the mic.  I know there are a lot of other content creators who do the same thing---agonize over their work, post and run, and hope the comments the next day don't reflect all the criticisms they face in their heads.

If a content creator came to me, and wanted to vent about their work in the way I criticize my own, I would tell them they were crazy.  True story:  My middle name is "Hypocrite."

That wasn't a true story.  My middle name is actually "Fibber."

True story?  Eh?  Eh?  :P

Anywaaaaay, the point is that it's much easier to see the good in others' work, just as it is to see the flaws in your own.  It's hard to own mistakes.  It's even harder to say "I see you, mistake...but that's okay, you can stay."  Accepting that things will be flawed is something I still have to actively work at (even after 6 months of making videos).

The positive side of the coin is that complacency is never an option.  I just need to find the balance and stop Lemongrabbing it up every time I see something I don't like. 

I find it kind of funny my video about robots made me feel the need to reflect that it's okay to be human.  :P
I also find it funny that I keep capitalizing the word "robots" when I type.  Silly fingers.

This video was the first one where I used  5 audio layers.  The pic doesn't show you all of them, and it isn't zoomed in, so you can't see all the lines very well---but that's what I've been doing for the last 3 days.  I'm sure to sound editing pros, this looks like cake, but it I am not yet at cake level.  One day, day you will be mine.