The Draw My Life Video

A little while ago, I got a request from theswisswereright to do a "draw my life video."  I had seen Jenna Marbles and Phil do theirs, and I really liked watching them---but I wasn't super keen on doing one myself.  I am very vigilant about my privacy (I always have been), and it takes a lot for me to trust someone with information about myself --so I figured this type of video was absolutely not up my alley.

I don't know how I even got started doing it.  I found myself jotting things down for it one night, and doing it the next.  My cat knocked over my tripod and broke it, and instead of using it as an excuse to stop, I immediately went out and spent $50 (omg whyyyyy) on a new tripod so I could finish it.  For an hour and 50 mins, I just sat...drawing.  It was interesting:  I didn't feel much while doing it...I just kind of let my brain tell the story it felt safe disclosing.

When I got near the end, I stuttered.  I didn't know how to depict the more present day aspects.  I told my best friend that I was doing this kind of video, and he said "WHAT?!"  He knew from first hand experience that the things I would be talking about were things I didn't talk about to anyone.  I told him I didn't know how to end it, and he said "Don't filter it, just do what feels right."

But I didn't know what felt right.

I had been feeling a bit off---no that's a lie---I had been feeling a lot off in regards to certain relationships for a few weeks before doing the D.M.L.V, and my struggle was coming from not knowing where my relationships stood.  How was I supposed to finish speaking about my life, if I myself was unsure about it?  It should be easy to make stick figures and ramble about your days---it's not...not if you want to be truthful.

Even though it was a story told on a white board---something that can be erased in seconds---there is definitely a feeling of permanence that accompanies it.  It was easy for me to draw the past, because it was over, I knew the resolutions, I had my closure.  But the present was much more delicate, since I didn't want to include things I might lose.  I was trying to protect myself from the emotional repercussions of dry erase markers, hahahaha.  That's when I came back to "Just let it happen."

Upon the advice of the same person who first said it, I dropped the filters, and I just let it happen.  I drew what I held dear.  I sped up the footage.  I recorded my voice telling my story, and telling people what this ASMR journey meant to me.  After I was done, I felt so calm.  I wasn't drained, or melancholy...I just was...and it felt good (if that makes any sense).  I posted it to youtube, and I ran.  I do that---I call it the "post and run."  I didn't know how people would receive it.  I avoided it at all costs for the rest of the night.  I didn't want to lose the cathartic release and replace it with anxiety or frustration.  My friend messaged me to talk about it and said  "Are you seeing the comments?!"  I said "Nope.  I won't look at it.  I can't yet."  He said "It's incredible!"

Because I was stubborn and still in that uncomfortable post-posting place (dat alliteration, haha), I still wouldn't look at it.  The next day I resolved to see the "damage."  I was expecting comments I had gotten before (after I posted my drawing video) like "This was too personal, I can't get ASMR from this,"  or "I don't want to know about you, I just want to be triggered,"  etc.

Usually I get 200-250 comments overnight on a new video.  On this one I had nearly 500, and the number was going up steadily.  My inboxes had blown up on youtube and facebook.  I was gobsmacked.  People were responding in such sincere ways, and sending such personal messages. There were certian people I could feel understand...and I'm sure that sounds super nonsensical, but it's real even if it sounds wonky.  I received pages long letters, video responses, artwork---things that made me cry, things that made me smile, and absolutely nothing that warranted the hesitation I felt in the first place.

I am still catching up on comments and messages because of that video.  I am so behind in time, but I don't regret it for a second.  That video did something for me, and it appears it did something for others...and that's the whole point of my channel---to give back, help people feel good, and sleep.  I have never been moved by strangers like I was from the responses to that video.  It was more than the +1 for humanity feeling.  It was beautiful.

I feel redundant because I keep saying "thank you," but I mean it every time.  I hope whoever reads this knows that.  Thank you.  <3

"I'm a real boy!"

Phew.  I finally got my robot role play out.  I had such a fun time making it, but like always, upon reviewing it, I saw a million things I wished were different.  My hair is frizzy.  My doctor jacket makes me look like a football player.  I wish I didn't have to scale my dinning room table to get to the left side of the mic.  I know there are a lot of other content creators who do the same thing---agonize over their work, post and run, and hope the comments the next day don't reflect all the criticisms they face in their heads.

If a content creator came to me, and wanted to vent about their work in the way I criticize my own, I would tell them they were crazy.  True story:  My middle name is "Hypocrite."

That wasn't a true story.  My middle name is actually "Fibber."

True story?  Eh?  Eh?  :P

Anywaaaaay, the point is that it's much easier to see the good in others' work, just as it is to see the flaws in your own.  It's hard to own mistakes.  It's even harder to say "I see you, mistake...but that's okay, you can stay."  Accepting that things will be flawed is something I still have to actively work at (even after 6 months of making videos).

The positive side of the coin is that complacency is never an option.  I just need to find the balance and stop Lemongrabbing it up every time I see something I don't like.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07So_lJQyqw 

I find it kind of funny my video about robots made me feel the need to reflect that it's okay to be human.  :P
I also find it funny that I keep capitalizing the word "robots" when I type.  Silly fingers.

This video was the first one where I used  5 audio layers.  The pic doesn't show you all of them, and it isn't zoomed in, so you can't see all the lines very well---but that's what I've been doing for the last 3 days.  I'm sure to sound editing pros, this looks like cake, but it I am not yet at cake level.  One day, cake...one day you will be mine.

Some of the Reasons Why I Nixed the Video in my Three Hour Movie Sounds/ASMR Project

Soooooooo my blog can't upload the video directly for some reason.  Silly Blog.  I posted this on facebook to show you here.  :P
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=147034348800046&set=vb.100004804446175&type=2&theater

Give Me Tiiiiime

It's been a rough week for me, and the next one is likely to be as well.  I have some pretty cool stuff I am working on, but I am struggling to find the time to do them all in the time frame necessary.  Part of the problem is the rendering time on my laptop.  It takes about 20 mins to render a 5 min clip.  Multiply that but 10 or 15 clips, and that's my render time for each video.  I think I am going to have to invest in a new computer, and it saddens me to have to spend more money...but I am also excited to have some time back in my hands to get ahead of myself, go back out in the world, and sleep hahaha.  A lot of you may have seen me up at unholy hours---many times, that's me rendering.  In fact, I am writing this while rendering.  This is my Saturday night.

I am not the only person who works hard on their videos.  Lots of people put money into their channels, but I think sometimes we forget about how much time goes into making a video.  Time can often be more valuable.  We talk to a camera instead of talking to the people we love.  We stay inside monitoring the progress on a screen instead of feeling the sun.  We make insane messes (prepping and executing videos) that require clean up and work, instead of kicking back and relaxing on the couch.

And we do this because we love it.  But sometimes it's hard not to get overwhelmed by how much time there isn't to do all the other things we love as well.  Add that to the negative feedback people can leave, and it sometimes can feel like people are saying you wasted your time.  I have seen a lot of content creators getting down over comments from trolls, and I although I might be part troll (on my mother's side), I'm not immune to being annoyed at the recent influx of negativity.  As ASMR becomes more talked about/known, the viewers will increase, and so will the trolls.  When there are a lot of them, it makes it harder to keep giving your time so willingly.  It becomes a chore.

This is why I treasure supportive comments so much.  What may take a person a few seconds to write, helps keep my head in a positive place.  Every supportive comment translates into "your time is worth something to me, so much so, that I am giving up some of mine to watch it and write this."  That's a special kind of exchange.  It means something.

So I guess what this ramble amounts to, is appreciation for all those giving their time; content creator and viewer alike.  If you are a viewer, thank you so much for making this experience feel like a beautiful use of my time.  If you are an asmrtist, thank you for helping me stop time and rest.  I value the seconds, minutes, and hours, you all give up to make others happier.  

"Time flies like an arrow;  fruit flies like a banana."---Anthony Oettinger 

The Male ASMR Content Creators

There are people who can only be triggered by a certain sex---that's perfectly fine, there's not much you can do when your body will only have an ASMR response to certain things (much in the way that some people can't be triggered by role plays, or unintentional vids, etc).  I used to think I was the same way---before I started making my own content, I generally only went to female asrmtists for my tingles.  However, when I became an active member of this endeavor that so many work at, I became more open to considering different sources---because really, who wouldn't want tingles from anywhere they could get them? The more trigger sources, the better, right?  As someone who is completely dependent on ASMR videos for my own ability to sleep, I like having a deep pool of resources to dive into when I go to bed.  I have never experienced "asmr immunity" even though I tend to listen to multiple videos a night, and I think that having such a variety might have something to do with it.

Male content creators work hard.  Some people avoid their videos because they think hearing a man do a nurturing or personal attention role play will make them uncomfortable.  The men have gender stereotypes they have to work against---not only from the people who watch their vids who turn around and say "I just can't listen to a man do this"---but from the people who won't even click their videos once they see the sex of the asmrtist.  They also have ignorant assumptions that are made about them(because of the content they choose to make), that they have to learn to combat, ignore, or laugh off.  Female content creators can tend to get lots of inappropriate comments, but the males are no strangers to it either; and sometimes the level of aggression is increased towards a male asmrtist.

Male videos have all the trigger potential of those of their female counterparts.  They do personal attention role plays, sounds, unboxing, camera brushing, etc.  You can also find some VERY unique content on male channels, because like many content creators, some males bring their personal experiences to the ASMR table.  In addition to the "classics," you can find some really inventive and interesting demonstrative content.  I would like to discuss a couple of my personal go-to channels (in no particular order), and then list the male channels I am subscribed to (also in no order), in the hopes that you might explore them, and perhaps find a new source of sublime sedation.

JustAWhisperingGuy:    http://www.youtube.com/user/JustAWhisperingGuy/featured
This content creator's name is Robert, and his channel has a huge variety of videos to choose from. He has his own mixology series where he takes viewer requests, and demonstrates how to make their favorite drinks (based on his knowledge and experience as a bartender). He also has some fantastic medical role plays, sound assortment videos, page turning, situational background noises, guided relaxations, rambles, and two AMAZING drumming vids that will trigger your head off.  His upload rate is frequent and consistent.  Robert has a unique voice---it's versatile in that it can convey assertion in a very calming/nurturing way.  He is well spoken and articulate, and lends much to the discussion of ASMR.  He has contributed a few videos that not only trigger, but make your soul feel better (see his more recent "ASMR for self help").

ASMRByDesign:   http://www.youtube.com/user/ASMRByDesign/featured
This content creator's name is Nick, and he has a tremendous background in sound design.  Because of his extensive knowledge, Nick creates layered soundscapes (sound experiences) from the ground up.  His binaural videos are some of the highest quality I've ever come across---everything sounds crisp and clear.  This is because Nick spends an enormous amount of time perfecting his content, working meticulously to create the most effective balance.  In addition to these masterpieces, Nick has page turning, puzzles, legos, cooking, and rambling videos to choose from.  He also has a very personal video that has touched many people's hearts and given them a sense of understanding and acceptance (the third video he made).

Asmrer:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQm6b6NgavijQ6GN6H7fwYg
This content creator's name is Tony, and he is a very consistent asmrtist.  He puts work into his videos, and they are almost always incredibly successful for me.  Tony has a voice that could melt mountains, and a sense of humor that adds to my enjoyment of his videos.  His channel features one of the widest variety of role plays I've ever come across:  make over, telemarketer, medical, shave, masquerade, hair cuts...you name it, he's got it.  He also has sound videos, rambles, and other displaying/demonstrative videos---and has been doing more recent videos with a binaural (3D) mic, that has left me with no choice but to watch his role plays over and over.

Grey Wolf:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCm3fbyzi9tfSnc_mpYeSuZw/featured
Grey Wolf is another content creator who has role plays that hit me right in the spine (that's where I feel the tingles more often than anywhere else).  His voice, demeanor, and movements are incredibly calming to me.  His channel features medical role plays, rambles, guided relaxations, sound experimentation, and book discussions.

Whisper Mister:  http://www.youtube.com/user/WhisperMister1/featured
Many people know Fred already.  He's a content creator with a beautiful accent, and a very gentle way about him.  His channel includes:  baking, unwrapping/unboxing, rambling, haircut/shave role plays, an eye exam, cranial nerve exam, and personal shopper role plays, among others.  He's been creating content for a year now, and his videos have that spark that makes you smile as you're falling asleep.  Also, if you haven't gathered---he whispers every now and then.  :P

Danny Docile:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIIqiiLrx6aPQKfdim4UaZg
Danny is a newer content creator, but upon seeing his first video, I quickly subscribed.  He has a great voice and whisper, but his humor really comes through in his videos.  Whenever I see a new upload, I know I am going to laugh and tingle.  Danny has a very clever way about him, and you can tell he enjoys creating content---which he does frequently.  His channel features rambling, and role plays that I guarantee you've never seen.  Danny has been a bank robber, the Prime Minister, death, a questionably qualified doctor, a magician...you can tell he has fun creating these very "twisty" scenarios that manage to be interesting while triggering.

I wish I could write about every male asrmtist, because they are all worth mentioning.  I am subscribed to A LOT, and for good reason.  Unfortunately I can't go through them all in length, so hopefully linking them will make up for that.  Here is the list of channels I am currently subbed to (again, in no particular order---and I did not go through each one to see their last upload date---so some will be more active than others).  I am not intentionally leaving anyone out, and welcome any responses that point me in the direction of another great male content creator I may have missed.  Obviously, not every channel will work for you, as we all experience ASMR differently.  I hope you find a channel, or handfuls of channels that help you on your quest to Tingle Town and Sleep City.   <_<  That's pretty cheesy, huh?  I'm not sorry!  NO REGRETS!   :P

3D Whispers:  http://www.youtube.com/user/3DWhispers/videos?view=0&flow=grid
WhisperingGamer094:  http://www.youtube.com/user/WhisperingGamer094/videos?flow=grid&view=0
Mymiridion:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCuPqIMCXz4wds78ouUVBjEA
TheDefeaningWhisper:  http://www.youtube.com/user/TheDeafeningWhisper/videos?view=0&flow=grid
DeeplyRelaxing:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwHzBocK2RBqtYeHZF0joIg
TheLyricalWhispers:  http://www.youtube.com/user/TheLyricalWhispers/videos?view=0
aaronasmr:  http://www.youtube.com/user/aaronasmr/videos?view=0&flow=grid
BeanzlovesSOAD:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-c6uNZerkeYuMiFChi7S6w
Andrew Whisper:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCE1uH9xw14GHvEZtcqYeG4Q/videos?flow=grid&view=0
VoiceOfSam:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtkKj9JNpzzipUFULLrXHww
YorkshireASMR:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwrIOzFqaPs4pdvhI6leOzA
WhisperingTF:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpSrEy0CKzotSe2ahPG0nYA
WindingWhisper:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHHlG5LnOWvjBhs-I5gPW1g
weightliftingwhisper:  http://www.youtube.com/user/weightliftingwhisper/videos?view=0&flow=grid
WhisperDeeply:  http://www.youtube.com/user/WhisperDeeply/videos?flow=grid&view=0
Veltonar TV:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4Lsjacp-Lza9lI_2VVq48g
WhisperDrifter:  http://www.youtube.com/user/WhisperDrifter/videos?flow=grid&view=0
Cerulean ASMR:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXzSiUqATz2iVwY4vg2I99Q/videos?flow=grid&view=0
Whisperears4u:  http://www.youtube.com/user/Whisperears4u/videos?flow=grid&view=0
TheWhisperCorner:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UC7ms5ZaTuvliWMuGIuLbP8Q
Bill MaxVoxPax:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-FSyx8dPh_Ax2SZOBJSEqA
Nicholasmrelaxation:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0H59mje17F9staCjqEx7Mw
GrowlingWhispers:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCREC0ROhWHC34AV9sfcb3WQ
Ephemeral Rift:  http://www.youtube.com/user/EphemeralRift/videos?view=0
DreamASMR:  http://www.youtube.com/user/DreamASMR/videos?flow=grid&view=0
WhisperingWeaver:  http://www.youtube.com/user/WhisperingWeaver/videos?view=0
Em Korczak:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0KoRTjBEZ_ClyY70KDopxg
MaleSoothe:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtvfwsQcpupY94zKcq9mMnQ
WhisperWhimsy:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCl_z95CeWCRO9prGzQRfP_Q
Black Rabbit Whispers:  http://www.youtube.com/user/OhMrRabbit/videos?view=0&flow=grid
kiwiwhispers:  http://www.youtube.com/user/kiwiwhispers/videos?view=0
Happy Whisper Man aka Gently Spoken:  http://www.youtube.com/user/GentlySpoken/videos?view=0&flow=grid
SoundComaASMR:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnPEymswDXpa8l9qAHVXDBw
Whisperstud:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwFlUc3Y-wl6JdzkcjZPWNg
GeekyWhispering:  http://www.youtube.com/user/geekyWhispering/videos?view=0
Liberty Whispers:  http://www.youtube.com/user/libertywhispers/videos?view=0&flow=grid
WolfberryWhisper:  http://www.youtube.com/user/WolfberryWhisper/videos?view=0
Massage & ASMR:  http://www.youtube.com/user/MassageASMR/featured
BlackMaleASMR:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSQnfP1sIQ0cnm4KH1cn3OQ
RelaxingASMR:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLkpnHm-KEmEACcYHX6cX5w
ASMRSURGE:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIKOy_q2VWDv1vzeoi7KgNw
ASMR Gaffer:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCC4bE5o8Obn2OADE3uEXDDg/videos?flow=grid&view=0
Stephen SonographicSoothe:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXUAUg7BLd5_yFM62izUjXQ
SciWhisperer:  http://www.youtube.com/user/SciWhisperer/videos?view=0&flow=grid
RoadTripperrr:  http://www.youtube.com/user/RoadTripperrr/videos?view=0&flow=grid
Cosmic Asimar's Universe:  http://www.youtube.com/user/CosmicAsimar/videos?view=0
ASMguitaRist:  http://www.youtube.com/user/ASMguitaRist/videos?view=0&flow=grid
AuntJemimaASMR:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4K7v5KkcVq9sfEr3Oo5hkw
s g collins:  http://www.youtube.com/user/sgcollins/videos?view=0
ThePeaceableWhispers:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCDHuFdabFsOuQYtlDAM2f8Q
TeddyWhispers:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcJHLJohvfYeLtzG-4F77Gw
CrystallineWhispers:  http://www.youtube.com/user/CrystallineWhispers/videos?view=0&flow=grid
thejnes1:  http://www.youtube.com/user/thejnes1/videos?view=0&flow=grid
whisperreader1080:  http://www.youtube.com/user/whisperreader1080/videos?view=0&flow=grid
KnightWhispering:  http://www.youtube.com/user/KnightWhispering/videos?view=0&flow=grid
IHopeThisIsASMR:  http://www.youtube.com/user/davidlm1268/videos?view=0
cylonASMR:  http://www.youtube.com/user/cylonASMR/videos?view=0&flow=grid

See? It's a lamp. :P

There was a little bit of a mystery in some of my more recent vids, concerning the green "egg" object in the background.  The "egg" was half of an antique lamp.  Just a lamp.  It's just a lamp, hahahaha.

9 Triggers "Blooper"

Sometimes I should think more before I speak.