Tuesday, October 29, 2013

True Life: I am an ASMRtist



I have been toying with writing this for about a month now, but I ultimately came to the decision to after I got a message telling me that I shouldn't care if people know my address or not.  I would like to share my experiences as a content creator in the hopes some people might better understand some of the things we go through as ASMRtists.  I am going to be as honest as possible (without forfeiting comfort).

I started my channel on a whim.  I made a makeup video and had 6 subscribers the next morning, and I thought that was just the coolest thing ever.


So I kept making videos.  I would sit on my living room floor, with my point and shoot camera on 7 cans of cat food, and make sound videos.  I also made role plays in the little alcove in my dining room.  For a long while, reception was mixed.  People on youtube were very supportive and encouraging, but on Reddit, I caught a lot of flack.  I would get comments and messages telling me my camera's white noise was too much, that my videos were too long---and therefore I must not have a life, that my video cuts were disruptive, that I should stop trying cause I'd never be as good as so and so, that because I made videos, I was an attention whore, etc.

Making distinctions between feedback that was meant to help me, and feedback that was meant to hurt me wasn't hard---though I know that it can be difficult for people sometimes.  Yes, I had a ton of cuts in my videos and loud white noise, and it frustrated me too---legitimate feedback.  The insults and assumptions concerning my person---not legitimate feedback.  I was no stranger to reddit, and I am a child of the internet, so insults truly don't get to me.  My brain sees things as "relevant or irrelevant" and if something is irrelevant, I dismiss it...though I do tend to have a little spiteful streak in me. :P  Someone wrote that they would downvote any video over an hour long...I made my next video nearly an hour and 30 mins long.



Making long videos wasn't motivated by spite though, and it wasn't entirely planned.  I would set up to film a video, and then I would enjoy myself making it.  I found that filming videos allowed my brain to pause.  It turned the volume of the world down for me, and I would just sit, talk to my camera, and play with stuff.  So that's what I did.  I would make two videos a week, and I truly loved every second of it.

Even though I was no stranger to internet shenanigans, I did have adjusting to do.  I had never been a youtube content creator before, and wasn't prepared for the messages I would get in my inbox.  Trolling has never been something that has bothered me.  I am actually part troll---it said so on one of those ancestry sites  :P.  But trolling is a hard thing for many people to get the hang of disregarding.  There are also times when you get treated like chat-roulette, and get shots all up in people's junk (but that too isn't what I needed to get used to).  The hardest thing I had to reconcile was the aggressive entitlement in many of the messages I would receive.  People made demands of me, and were very disrespectful if I didn't acquiesce.  Navigating how to handle a situation online differently than I would in real life was a hard line for me to learn to walk.  And people didn't let up even if I established a hard boundary.

 I had messages demanding I wear specific garments, sending me links for me to purchase them, asking me for some of my hair, asking about my blood type, where I worked, saying that they could see me saying things to them with my eyes, demanding I plug their channels, or give them a shout out---and lashed out publicly if I wouldn't, etc.  There are people who invent relationships with you in their minds, and when you do something counter to their imaginary ideals, or if you refuse to do something in accordance with their concocted scenarios, they feel betrayed and retaliate (many times this comes in the form of someone making impostor accounts to try and discredit your character by insulting other asmrtists and viewers using your name and picture).  There are people who invent that you have relationships with their loved ones, and attack you for their manufactured reality (seriously...this just happened today).  There are people who decide that they know you're a terrible person (even though they don't know anything about you, and have never interacted with you), and try to convince others of their sentiment---or dedicate HOURS to spamming you with messages from multiple accounts telling you why they are right about how awful you are.  There are people who will berate you for wearing a shirt or lipstick color they don't approve of.  Whenever I see people criticizing ASMRtists for not having "tough skin" I always think "you have no idea what the inbox looks like."

There were also people (and still are) that would disguise their motives in ASMR requests.  I think it's almost a rite of passage in this community to get a message that says something along the lines of "HI!  I love your videos!  I was wondering, can you do a video where you put lotion on your feet, and paint your toenails, and then talk to the camera and giggle on your belly while swinging your feet behind you?  That really triggers my ASMR.  Thanks!"  Fetish requests don't really bother me (to each their own), and for the most part, most people aren't devious when making those kinds of requests. In fact, I have found that many people with fetish requests are super polite.  However, fetish requests disguised as ASMR requests do get under my skin.  While a foot fetish request may be easy to spot for a content creator, there have been others that have been better hidden, and executed by some kind ASMRtists, thinking they were helping someone with their triggers.  The manipulation of someone's heart is something that grates at me.  I don't want to say what these requests are, because I don't want to possibly make anyone who has done one feel negatively about their video, but I will tell you my own personal philosophy with requests:  If someone is oddly specific, or shares waaaaay more information than is necessary in efforts to persuade you to do something, or is strangely persistent, or is shopping the same request to lots of other asmrtists with the exact same flattering language, I pause and look deeper into what they are asking.  Sometimes it's a legitimate ASMR request---but sometimes, it's a disguised fetish request.  While a person's sexual pursuits are their own business and may be perfectly acceptable, manipulating an ASMRtist into doing something for those exploits via deceit, is not (IMHO).


Sometimes the nature of the internet (and specifically our little corner of it) can generate some invented competition and rumors about the people that exist in it.  There is also this "lore" that pops up from time to time...I don't know how to describe it any other way, hahaha.  Many times it involves people inventing their own timeline of events (such as who pioneered what idea or trigger), and then people fight about who is "best" by bashing other artists.  I have a lot of admiration for those content creators who correct people when this happens, and dissuade hate talk against other asmrtists (either by asking people to stop, or deleting hateful posts about other asmrtists on their videos).   Many of us are all friends/friendly with each other, and bashing one of my peers does not win points with me (nor does it with many others).  I know we can't all like everything everyone does, but I still respect those who put themselves out there to try and help people---and I respect those who don't try to make other asmrtists feel bad for not being their favorites.



There are also some random "urban legends" that seem to sprout up overnight.  I know that for a few months now, there is a rumor circulating that maintains that I am WhisperCrystal.  For the record, I am not WhisperCrystal.



 I am subbed to over 250 content creators (this number grows daily), and friends with many of them on facebook.  For the most part, people are very supportive of one another.  I think most people don't know how often we all interact with each other.  One thing I never anticipated was that fellow content creators would be part of some of the negative experiences/situations I would have, but sadly this is the case.   When I announced my surgery, the response to it was so massive, so loving, and supportive...it made me cry, but for a good reason.  Not a single person even tried to troll me at that time---but it was a fellow ASMRtist who took a public dig at me for being open about what I was going through (something that was difficult for me to admit and talk about) while I was gone.



Another thing I have had to learn how to deal with, is the feeling I would get upon learning that someone was buying/botting subs and views.  When someone does this, it has no effect on anyone else.  It doesn't hurt you.  Their numbers have absolutely nothing to do with you.  However, knowing how hard people work to make their content, knowing how many hours go into each part of the process, knowing that there are AMAZING content creators out there who IMO deserve millions and millions of views and subscribers, but don't purchase them or "cheat"---sours me (and many others) to those that do.  I guess for me, I find it disrespectful to all those who put work into their channels.  Another content creator said something I agree with (when discussing the subject):  "Faking numbers by purchasing them takes away the voice of this community and skews what is real." So I want to say to the multitude of content creators that don't bot/buy views, that whether you get a bazillion subs/views, or a handful, I respect you so very much for doing it on your own.

Lastly, there are those who sometimes speak out against people trying new ways of creating videos (for example, using a green screen).  This always confuses me when I see it.  Trying to dissuade people from trying new things is nonsensical to me. We can be "movie makers" AND asmrtists (the two aren't mutually exclusive) and if anything, having different ways to enhance immersion and try new things will inspire more creativity and originality---not less. Trying to suppress or intimidate other channels from experimenting/doing whatever they want by invalidating their efforts as "not about ASMR" because you personally don't like it, has nothing to do with "the good of ASMR," and everything to do with personal bias. No one is the president or spokesperson for the amazingly diverse amount of minds that encompass this community. People who experiment with new things are not automatically going to be great at what they do, but the more they practice, the more chance for improvement there is. Personally, I am TERRIBLE at taking to learning tech stuff---but I will keep trying and experimenting, because I want to put out the best ASMR videos I possibly can.




Something I thought I would never have to do, is learn how to feel when recognized in person. This will be the first time hearing about this for all but 2 or 3 of you. When you are about to have surgery, you have to get blood work done beforehand. I went in to the place, and the lady who was drawing my blood said "I have something strange to ask you." I (who was looking away cause I didn't want to see my blood) said "WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY BLOOD?" She said "Nothing...do you make whisper videos?" I froze. I couldn't run away cause I had a needle in my arm. I said "Noooo?" She said "Yes you do...you're Heather Feather." This distressed me like you wouldn't believe. Here I was, after taking so many precautions to make sure my privacy was safe, having my blood drawn by someone who watched my videos. Furthermore, after having my blood drawn, I had to give this lady a cup of my pee. 



I was mortified, and scared I was going to lose everything I had worked so hard to protect. I gave her a hug (she was super nice) and went home and cried. When I told my family and friends (and friends who were content creators), they all thought it was the funniest story ever. Later I received a message from the woman telling me not to worry, that everything that happened would remain with her, and she wished me well with my surgery. I feel very lucky that the first encounter I had with a viewer was with someone so nice and understanding.


Despite having to learn how to map out all these new spaces in my world, the perks to making videos far surpass the less enjoyable aspects.  I am doing something that makes me happy---truly happy---and it helps other people feel happy.  Doing for others what my favorite ASMRtists had done for me---and I can't describe that feeling.  I don't have anything else in my life that feels like that---it's easy to fall in love with.  You understand what people get out of it, cause you get the same thing out of it elsewhere.  It really is a vicious circle of helping.  You help others by helping yourself, and you help yourself by helping others.  It's beautiful.

Some great content creators have been feeling down lately, and I wanted to say that the experience of making videos is for you as much as it is for everyone else.  If you don't love it, you are allowed to take breaks for yourself without feeling bad, or walk away.  But if you do love making vids, enjoy exploring different techniques and exercising your creativity.  Try not to let numbers, hateful/entitled words, or anything stand in the way of doing what makes you happy.  You should be proud of your content no matter what anyone says, because your channel is a reflection of you. It's your creation.  That's your time and effort up there for all to see, and if you re helping just one person, you can be making a world of difference.  Keep your chins up.



As I look over this blog post, I realize that I wrote this with content creators (and people contemplating creating content) in mind as my readers (but of course everyone can read it).  I guess I want to conclude with some thank you's.  Thank you to those who stick it out and create content, and support one another.  It's not always easy, but it's always worth it.  Thank you for making videos that help me, and so many other people.  Thank you for helping me through some pretty dark times either through your videos or your friendships.



Thank you so much to the viewers.  I want you to know that you have given me more than you will ever know.  I read all your comments, and try my hardest to respond to as many as I can.  Your encouragement, support, kindness, humor, feedback, advice on tech issues, and shared experiences have been things that have helped me either with my channel, or with myself.  You guys have made me smile or laugh literally thousands of times, and that's priceless.  You help me.  You really do.  And I am insanely grateful for you.



And to those who are thinking about creating content:  some days are hard, some days are full of glitches, making a video takes so much longer than you may think it does, not everyone is nice, you will encounter trolls, creeps, and people who decide they hate you "just cause" (including content creators)---but if making videos makes you happy, then you will find that all those "flaws" are irrelevant.

 You'll see that the frustrations that accompany making a video, evaporate with the victory of completing one.



You'll find that people will notice how much time you put into your videos, and that acknowledgement will make you feel so proud and humbled that you get to have such meaningful and rewarding interactions with people.




You'll realize that even though some interactions with people won't be ideal, there are FAR more wonderful peers and viewers that are more than willing to lend an ear, a kind word, or hilarious comment,  than there are people who want to taint or take away your joy.  The good interactions overwhelmingly outnumber the less awesome ones.  And if you're lucky, you will meet people that will change your life, and make you feel "newer" and better than before they came into your life.  You have the opportunity to interact with so many different kinds of people, of all different ages---and even though they may be far away, they make your world feel less vast---it's a gift.



You don't have to give out personal information to connect with people.  Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  Keep yourself safe and happy.  You deserve to be both.













45 comments:

  1. Well said, Heather. I could never have the patience to be an ASMaRtist so I greatly respect those of you who put the time and effort into creating these awesome and relaxing videos for the rest of us to enjoy. Rock on ;)

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  2. Mmm, I'd feel bad if I ever accidentally ran into in the real world now.. I'll just pretend I was seeing things, deal? x-x

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  3. I'm a new creator. Coming from a world where I have a gazillion followers (obviously not ASMR) and only having 30 subscribers hurts me big time. I want to reach so many more people, and I know that doesn't come overnight. I really respect this post, and your words Ms. Heather Feather. I have digested them all, and gone to some lengths to keep my identity and location super secret. It's my own little thing I can do outside of the "real" world where everyone knows who I am, and I imagined there were some out there with intentions I am not expecting.

    You are the best, so real, and I love your videos. Keep up the good work, and we love you...

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  4. Very well said. You are such a talented person -- don't let anyone get to you. Everytime you post a video I smile :) You bring happiness to many of us, and we appreciate every minute you give us.

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  6. This probably hit my heart right in the middle. I have been coming out of my shell lately and I was thinking about creating ASMR videos, beauty videos, and just "for fun" videos. But then again, I am considered a minor, and I have privacy concerns and the feeling like someone's going to hack me or try to find out my personal info scares me out of making videos. I wasn't sure if I could just wing it or if I should plan and think about it more. I have really never ever been bullied or trolled by someone, but I do experience being ignored and looked at oddly everyday. I feel if I ever met one of my future viewers I would probably shut down my account and move and do all this and that. Your words have really helped me and made me see that there is good in some people, but I don't think it's time for me yet, for I am not strong enough to deal with those negative people. People like you and other ASMRtists and Youtube creators who put themselves out there and deal with these negative trolls and "haters" are really looked up to by me. You guys are so strong and it makes me feel sort of weak and like a coward compared to what you probably deal with. I would probably crumble at my first negative comment and give it. It amazes me how you pushed on and dealt with it. You are probably my role model, and I wish I can one day be a great ASMRtist like you.
    -Sen

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  7. Heather, I am a viewer (and mostly lurker, as I rarely comment on videos because I don't want ASMRtists to feel stalked, ha) and I am metaphorically applauding each and every paragraph you've written here. The entitlement is so worrying. I get upset and defensive of comments that seem to be expressing an obligation on the creator's part to do whatever is asked (demanded) of them. I worry for the safety of ASMRtists, especially women, because I see the objectification happening over and over. Thank you for being articulate and eloquent, and thank you for having such a level head and giving wonderful advice to others.

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  8. Heather , You are one of the best ASMRtist in the community and I am in awe of all of the artists who make these videos to help others. Our society in general is made up of all kinds of people and they show who they are by words and actions. I am fairly new to ASMR and can't imagine the amount of work you guys put into making videos. Sometimes I see comments like you described and it makes me think those people really need to take inventory of themselves especially before they speak and disrespect others.
    I want to thank you and all of the ASMRtists for your hard work and and I pray that each one will find their happiness in what they do.
    I think it's great that you wrote about your concerns and have to believe that it will help others.
    Hopefully everyone will be more respectful of others and God bless you for all you do. Thank you so much for helping me become a better peson and learning to relax and yes , sleep.

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    1. Stephen! Thank you for such a wonderful comment! I hope you know how much comments like yours mean to content creators. I am pretty much a secret ferocious bear (hahaha) and I still appreciate your words---imagine how much it would mean to someone who isn't fortified against the nature of the internet yet. That's why I say viewers have no idea how much they help us. You really do.

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  9. i am sorry you had to make this. Safety first, and your well being should be priority. Stay safe, and keep making great Videos Heather!

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  10. I hate every single one of those people who gave you a bad time, you don't deserve it, really.
    I love you as a person, so i took the time to read this, and you couldn't of said it better.
    Keep doing videos no matter what anyone else says, because i look forward to them :( do it for meeeeeeeeee!
    I think it's amazing what you do and i will support you to the ends of the earth <3

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    1. You don't have to hate them, it's just how the internet is sometimes. Thank you for being so kind and supportive though. I won't stop doing vids, I love it too much (plus quitting was never a thought in my mind). :D

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  11. We support you 100% Heather. You do what you have to do to feel safe. You shouldn't have to put your feelings of safety on the line to make people happy. Your videos are the best. Keep doing what you are doing. We love you.

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    1. Thanks for such a kind message, Tish! I thin nearly every ASMRtist goes through this (or similar issues), and we are very lucky to have people like you that act as counterweights to the negative encounters.

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  12. You are an incredible person, Heather. Hands down. I applaud you for writing this blog.

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    1. Thank you, Melanie, you're a pretty incredible person yourself :D

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  13. "Some people just need a High Five...in their face...with a chair!" After reading what you've been through that kind of applies lol. I think it's really scary to think about all those sick people! Safety always comes first Heather, and I understood that because of that I wasn't allowed to participate in the "give away contest", though I cried all night because of it hahaha.
    But now I'm kind of scared to ever make a request again...I SWEAR I'M NOT A LESBIAN PERVERT!! Only an innocent ASMR addict! Lol (I made one request in my life and it was annother jewlery roleplay with the new fancy mics, I hope it didn't bother you...I'm sorry!)
    Oh and by the way...WhisperCrystal is one of my favorites, so I know her voice and I know your voice...people must have some ear related problems to assume you're the same person...just saying! Love ya <3

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    1. I am sorry about not being able to ship internationally, but am very grateful you understand. Oh please don't be scared to make a request---I can discern pretty fast now what a real request looks like :P.

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  14. How about this? If I see you in public, I'll just raise both hands to shoulder level and do the wiggly-finger wave... and walk away. :)

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  15. For every person with a hobby that is creation based there is a person who's hobby is to tear your creation down, hell probably 2 people for every creator. Criticizing people has a pretty low cost of entry in comparison to most other hobbies.

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  16. Great post Heather! I really enjoyed reading it... everything you wrote is so true...

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    1. Hello my friend! Thank you for reading it :D

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  17. Coming from a fellow ASMRtist, everything you said is so very true, and I thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience on the matter with all of us. As with everything online, once you get popular you'll experience so many good things, but the "bad stuff" will naturally come around as well... you just have to deal with it the best way you can.

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    1. I wanted to share it because it doesn't matter how many subscribers you have---once you put yourself out there, you begin to encounter these issues. Sometimes, the newer you are, the more you face because there are people waiting for new creators to see who will do what. Thank you for commenting, and allowing me to share my thoughts with you, I appreciate it. :)

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  18. As a viewer, I really enjoy and appreciate all the hard work you put into your videos. You help me cope with all the very difficult things at work that I have to deal with and I am so grateful. Honestly if it weren't for your videos I'd probably never get any sleep lol. As someone who works in the healthcare setting I can tell you for sure that HIPAA laws protect patient privacy and if anyone were to violate patient privacy, there'd be hell to pay (but you'd probably be rich). Seriously though, I wish you the best and I hope you never stop what you love doing. Even if that meant you stopped making videos. Everyone is entitled to their own happiness. By the way, my wife is pretty grateful to you as well, because I tend to be less cranky when I actually get to sleep lol. Thanks for being awesomer than Lumpy Space Princess lol. God bless you Ms. Feather :)

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    1. Thanks very much for such a nice comment. That lady was a gem, and was nothing but kind to me---it was just the unanticipated shock of being recognized, you know? I never thought it would happen. I am really glad the videos help you, and I hope they always continue to do so. :)

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  19. Thank you for making ASMR videos and sharing so much of yourself. I really appreciate the creativity and energy you put into your work. It takes a lot of courage to post videos on YouTube and deal with people's criticism and BS. I feel bad that people have given you a hard time. They'd have to be crazy to be hating on you. Stay safe and keep being amazing. :)

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    1. You don't have to feel bad--I am a super tough cookie---but thank you for the kind words and encouragement. I always appreciate them :)

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  20. What perfect timing for me to read this blog, as I was just pondering over this ASMR vs fetish thing today when a viewer posted a comment which made me feel like I was being punked. I did not anticipate this type of thing. It so happens that I've done 3 videos requested by people who (I now realize) have fetishes. It feels like a "dirty little secret" now that I realized, and I'm thinking of deleting the vids. In fact, my sister and I were driving to the next town today and while talking about this particular viewer comment, I mentioned wishing I could ask more experienced ASMR creators how they handled certain situations, and she told me about this blog post of yours. I guess you're an example to me, and I aspire to become at least half as good as you are at this, and to feel comfortable and free enough to completely immerse.

    I can understand how you felt mortified to be recognized locally. It's why I don't show my face at all. In this small SC town full of simple minded, judgmental people... it just would not go well.

    Thanks for all you do, Heather Feather!

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    1. I am sorry that happened to you. Whether or not you take down your videos is your choice, but I don't think you should feel bad having done them. If you ever have questions or concerns, I have two big ears that can try to help you. Also, there are LOTS of content creators who are willing to lend an ear, so don't be afraid of writing them. The worst that can happen is they don't see your message and write back, but the plus side could be finding people that know exactly what you are encountering and each have valuable strategies in sorting through the experiences. :)

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  21. Having read this blog, I can now say with absolute certainty that Heather lives somewhere north of the arctic circle. All the context clues are there.

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  22. Heather Feather: The Khaleesi of ASMR :')

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  24. *edit grammar*

    Heather,
    Maybe this isn't the place to post this.
    I like the animated gif's you use :)

    http://www.upcoming.nl/rick/3787/12-redenen-waarom-de-plompe-lori-het-allerschattigste-dier-ooit-is

    The text is in dutch so you can't read it...
    plompelori gifs ... really cute animal.
    It makes me happy... maybe it can do the same for you?

    best regards,

    Ps: i contacted you on facebook...but you don't seem to be on there often?

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  25. Thanks for posting this, Heather!

    I wondered how content creators deal with this issue.

    From one (ideally non-creepy) viewer's perspective, I spend hours every month watching ASMR vids, and the interpersonal feelings that the videos create are kind of strange because they are simultaneously sincere and illusory. ASMR seems to work because it mirrors close human bonds, but in reality, those bonds don't exist in the way that they seem to in the videos. I've had moments where I've been relaxing and watching a video, and I've suddenly remembered that the "relationship" with the content creator is one-way. I tend to only like the videos of people who seem like they could be great friends in real life, and it makes me sad sometimes to think about the fact that I'll never (probably) meet any of you. It can also be sad to sit on the outside and watch some of the content creators suffer from random issues without being able to help.

    I had wondered what this felt like from the other end. You don't need my admiration or anything, obviously, but I'm really impressed with the way you're navigating such a complicated (historically unique) social situation. A blog post like this could have been extremely awkward, but you communicated everything gracefully.

    Anyways, I appreciate your videos more than I can express, and I appreciate the level of humanity that you bring to the ASMR community. Even though we're not friends IRL, I can't help but feel a lot of "friend" feelings towards you, and I consequently wish you the best. I'm sure 90% of your followers are in the same (big) boat. Thanks for what you do.

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  26. Wonderfully written Heather, I relate to a lot of what you said here. We all need to stay positive, strong, united and loving. If we don't show others how to behave then we tarnish our beautiful ASMR world. ASMR is a way of life and we are all here to show how great that life can be. Love to you XX

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  27. Wow, I'm glad that I am able to realize what you guys go through, its honest and very good work, and to be honest i have no idea how i could ever thank all of you guys enough for what you do for me every time i need to relax and just to take a nap or go to sleep at night. The monks had taught me about keeping your head high, to be the person that leads the world into happiness through sheer kindness and diligence, i honestly believe all of the ASMRist's out there are the true meaning of this statement. They stay kind even through all of the muck that people put them through, so to all who have done people the service like she said even if it was just one…. you are by the greatest people i have ever known, more strength than anyone can imagine and so for this I give you my sincerest gratitude and respect, i hope it helps even if its just a little. Good night my friends.

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  28. you really are the best asmr artist i ever seen,you are very very cute and your voice is so sweet... i sleep with your videos ALL nights,you are really THE BEST,regards and kisses from Spain ;)

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  29. Hello Heather
    I just saw your "Head and Scalp Roll Play"
    Interesting stuff
    I'm new to this ASMR. But I do like how it relaxes the mind from escaping from the outside of the world's negative noises.
    I Thank You

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