Thursday, July 18, 2013

It's Been A While

Hello!  This week is the first one in a while that I have been feeling not only better, but happier.  I have my fingers crossed that by the end of next week, I will be myself again...and eating all the foods!  :)

I have been making an effort to sleep less and finally not at all during the day.  I was sleeping a lot.  A lot a lot.  I was also getting very bored not being able to do anything aside from game or netflix---don't get me wrong, I love to do both, but not 24/7 for weeks.  I have to say that I don't regret making the update video.  I didn't want to do it, and I thought I was going to regret it for sure---but the comments, messages, and videos I have received, have been the sunshine on some cloudy days.

The pessimist in me was expecting some backlash for being truthful---yet out of thousands of responses, not even a handful were in poor taste, and nearly everyone was so supportive and kind.  It wasn't just viewers---there were content creators who wrote me, checked up on me, and even made other extremely kind gestures through video that I will hold very dearly for as long as I remember it---and I don't forget things, haha.  It's strange for me to have people know what's going on in my real life...I try not to be especially personal in my vids, but the few times I have been have reminded me how wonderful most of the people that inhabit this little corner of the internet are.

The responses to my update video have also alleviated this strong sense of guilt I was feeling about not being able to produce the usual amount of content for July, or write back to every comment I had received.  I know that many don't understand why I would feel this way.  I have always tried to have reciprocal relationships/interactions, and from where I stand, I owe a lot to you guys.  You either create content that helps me sleep, or you let me try to help you (which in turn makes me happy).  I always feel indebted.

I am itching to make videos again.  I have been jotting down ideas for new role play for weeks now, and have even purchased new props for some of the more elaborate ones I have been scheming about.  I can't wait to start putting it all together.  There are three in particular that I am especially excited about.

While I haven't been doing regular stuffs, I played "The Last of Us."  I finished it pretty fast, and I have to say I really wasn't feeling it in the beginning.  I thought it was going to be a shooter with a predictable story line.  When two new characters were introduced, things changed for me.  I became invested in the story line, and then I was hooked.  There were parts of the game where I had my hand over my mouth horrified, and others when I would thrust my fist in the air with vengeful triumph.  It's the best game I have played in a while.  I tend to love games that deliver with good story lines---this one delivered.

I have also watched a ton of horror films and shows on Netflix.  I rewatched my fave eps of "The XFiles" (and subsequently went on a "Walking in Memphis" binge for 48 hours) and "Buffy,"  and also discovered a found footage movie called "The Bay" that left me uncomfortable for a better part of a day, so there was that.

I am going to close this out by thanking everyone for being so understanding, kind, and encouraging these past few weeks.  I also want to give a special thank you to the content creators who knew I was going to have this surgery, but didn't tell anyone, and let me make that decision for myself---and to the content creators who reached out in a very special way that warmed my heart, and made me smile so much.  Finally, I need to thank the person who was with me nearly everyday before and after surgery, giving me a safe place to be scared, and making sure I wasn't jumping back into anything too quickly.  Thanks for taking care of me in a way only you could.  I have so much love for all of you.  <3


  1. Heather we lovvve you!! So glad you're feeling better and it sounds like you're not feeling guilty anymore, which is so good.
    I loved The Last of Us!! What did you think of the ending?

  2. heather you are amazing. i would be proud to fight next to you any day.

  3. You are such an amazing upbeat person. Thanks for all you do. You are truly remarkable.

  4. Among other things, you write good prose. Please continue to do just what you are doing, just as you are doing it. It's most rewarding to be a part of your life to this extent. And of course, best wishes in your continued recovery.

  5. You are an amazing soul, though this has been trying for you it will only waken your passions more. once you are fully able to get back to what you love (not just videos but life itself) I'm sure you'll find a special appreciation for it all :) We love you and we your audience await your return with patience and anticipation. <3

  6. I love you <3 I love you like sunshine and rainbows and ice cream and sushi. That is all :)

  7. Hope you have a quick and speedy recovery :) try to find different series to keep you entertained. Don't worry about us so much, in reality I'm sure we're more worried about you and your surgery. Take care, we do love you. See you soon (don't rush recovery, k?)

  8. Ok, I attempted to find an email for you and since Im having a rare moment of emotions and mushy-ness, I've decided to send this as a comment, as I want to throw this out there before I pussy out.

    Phew. Okay. Where to start? Casual email is casual. Right.

    Up until four days ago, I was suffering with major depression. I had been suicidal for about two months, and suffering with self harming, seriously disordered eating, drug/alcohol abuse for nearly 24 months. I was given a psych assessment two weeks ago which was AWFUL (they just wanted to focus on physical/ sexual assault, and would not listen to what I felt where my main issues/triggers) and have been on a high dosage of SSRI meds for 20 months.
    I managed to graduate from my MA (a miracle!) despite two suicide attempts but after that I just stopped any semblance of coping. I was renting a flat with my fiance and in the end we moved in with his parents because I was unable to do basic tasks like wash or go outside, let alone hold down a job and be like, a proper human being.
    Anyways, I've been through therapy, done the medication (and am still on it since withdrawal makes me ten times worse) and had been stuck, down in the bottomless pit of misery for months when a random on tumblr mentioned ASMR. I'd never heard of it in my life- I knew a girl who recommend EFT which did nothing for me, so I assumed this was another random quirky thing that might be interesting.
    The descriptions I read fit perfectly with the only thing that has ever calmed me and put me in a trance-like state- namely, optician appointments.
    And god bless, you amazing, talented woman had made an asmr for just that.
    I've listened to it, first thing in the morning, for the last four days. And it is saving my life. No exaggeration. Since I started listening your videos, my confidence has returned, I can concentrate, I feel like ME again. All the negative, destructive, appalling thoughts I used to have, like turned up static, 24/7 are just switched OFF. I cannot put into words how much this has changed my life. Like, if I had a job, I would want to buy you a unicorn. Or just give you $500. You've accomplished more with one video than 7 years of therapy, medication and social work. I actually think I can get a job now- I'm not so sick I can't be in society. I'm not even really 'sick' anymore per say.
    My fiancé says he feels like I have 'come home' after a long, long time and the only thing that has changed is my introduction to your videos. YOU ARE INCREDIBLE. Blargghhh. I hate that there are basically no words but I am so ridiculously, heart-feltly (oh for gods sake, that's not a word!) grateful. I feel you have genuinely been responsible (indirectly) for saving my life and so I wanted to thank you (well no, I wanted to write your name in the damn SKY because I didn't think I'd ever feel....well....anything. Let alone like 'myself' and even less like living.)

    I only just checked your blog today, while I was trying to find some means to contact you, and I am so so sorry you have had to undergo major surgery. I hope you are okay (well, obviously, way better than that but we can but keep our fingers crossed) and on the mend. But basically, the purpose of this ill-structored ramble is to let you know that I genuinely feel you have saved my life. No Joke.
    And that at the very VERY least deserves an absolutely huge thank you.
    So to reiterate:
    1. I used to hate existing but then I saw your videos
    2. you are amazing at what you do- if you never did anything else ,barring the asmr videos, in your life you would still have accomplished more than most of the population
    3. I can honestly say you essentially 'fixed' me and my violent, horrid brain
    4. you have therefore basically saved my relationship with my soon to be husband
    5. hence, you rock. like, MAJORLY

    The end.

  9. Heather i hope you feel much better very soon!! I watch your videos religiously, and i absolutely adore you! i want you to know that youre in my prayers, and we, your fans, care about you! stay strong dear :)

  10. Excited to have you healthy!! Hopefully people continue to support you and make videos that in return help you for helping us.

  11. glad you're feeling better, Heather!

  12. I'm so glad you're feeling better! I have been thinking a lot of you. It's weird how you can worry about someone you don't actually know...but it feels like I know're my secret friend I can look forward to listening to at the end of the day. Thank you so much for that!!
    PS: I started playing Kingdom hearts because of you, I haven't heard of it before. I've just met Arielle hahaha

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