Wednesday, May 15, 2013

The Inbox Dilemma


Before I started making content, I used to watch ASMR vids all the time.  Haha, that hasn't changed since starting my own channel, but for a couple years I only had the perspective of a consumer.  If I commented on a video I loved, and the person wrote back to me---it made me so happy.  I wrote to Maria once after finding ASMR through her, and using her vids to conk out every night, and she wrote back to me---and it made my night.  I was with a friend, and started shrieking "MARIA WROTE TO ME, MARIA WROTE TO ME!" and of course my friend was like "okaaaaay....so?" Same thing happened when I wrote to Amal back in the day.   People who don't have ASMR don't understand how the videos help some of us.  They help where nothing else can, in a way that nothing else can.

In my real life, I feel indebted to people who help me.  I engage in reciprocal relationships, and try to maintain equality as far as emotional investment and actions are concerned.  I also have a hard time forgetting things---my brain just doesn't let me.  So "letting go" of certain sentiments is difficult for me.  When content creators write to me, or comment on my vids, I still fangirl.  I fangirl all the time...it's ridiculous.  Even ones that I talk to frequently, still make me "squeeee" when I see them in a comment.  I sometimes worry that they won't understand why I get so excited, or so wordy...but my concern always gets overridden by fangirling...fangirling always wins.

Because of my experiences feeling that delight, I try to respond to every person who writes to me.  I feel that if someone takes the time to write to me, I will take the time to write back to them.  Almost all of you don't know that I have had to use a wrist brace for the last few months when I type.  If I don't, my pinky and ring finger start KILLING, and the pain travels down the outside of my hand and forearm.

Recently I had to make the decision to stop responding to inbox messages on Facebook and Youtube.  This still causes me to feel a sense of guilt and inadequacy.  If I had more hands, or more time, this wouldn't be a problem---but I don't, and I had to decide to maintain a healthy balance between my Youtube and personal life, and my physical health (as far as my hand goes).

I want to keep being able to respond to people for as long as possible.  The inboxes are hard to navigate, as you have to open and read through much longer messages (so responses tend to be longer as well).  The time that goes into reading messages is much greater than it is for comments, and I have to sift through a lot of inappropriate messages to get to the ones from the right people.  I know that it is the best decision for me.  I know that if another content creator was going through the same "struggle" with it, I would tell them they need to do what's right for them.  Knowing those things still doesn't take away my feelings of guilt.  I am a weird girl...some of you might have suspected by now, ahaha.  I feel things sometimes in persistent and unreasonable amounts...especially when it comes to debts.  I feel like the people who watch my vids, and encourage and support me, help me immensely --so I feel like not being able to respond through every venue is a failure to repay a debt.  And that feeling sucks.

I wrote this because I wanted people to understand that my not writing back to inbox messages isn't because I don't value their words, or the time they took to create them.  I just can't do it all.  I still try to respond to every comment on youtube, facebook, and reddit.  I hope those who read this little blog understand what I'm trying to convey.

Since this entry was kind of serious, here's a saucy Troll Cat pic to hopefully make you smile.




The LSP image was provided under a Creative Commons license at http://www.flickr.com/photos/mooshuu/5974838531/  image by Mooshuu

14 comments:

  1. Good! I'm proud of you for putting this out there. I think it makes total sense and you still give back an absurd amount to the people that support you.

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  2. Completely understandable and I 'fanboy' too when you and many other ASMR content creators comment on anything I say on FB or on my videos.
    Massive hug! :-)

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  3. keep weird! much respect! and "I had to decide to maintain a healthy balance between my Youtube and personal life, and my physical health" take good note of your own words... I would rather rest happy knowing you appreciate peoples comments and know that perhaps the vast majority will understand... heres an idea, have yourself make a video explaining your predicament? or type such a message as the top line in your video descriptions?

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  4. Not that I have a following on YT, but I totally fan girl too - everyone knows you put so much effort into replying and we are so appreciative. I'm so sorry about your hand, that sounds horrible :( Please look after yourself <3 You are wonderful!

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  5. We value and respect you. Keep on keepin' on, my friend. Troll Cat gets props too.

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  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  7. As a pure consumer of ASMR who doesn't even have it. The day you replied to my comment was very special. It was and always will be appreciated but If I ever write another comment I hereby forbid you to reply to it :d You need a secretary to type out your replies for you. I am sure there would be innumerable volunteers among your many ardent fans and supporters. Thank you for the time, thought and effort you put into every video, comment, reply and blog. We all love them

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  8. I remember entering the Youtube app in my iPad every now and then, and you were the one profile I subscribed to with 99+ in activity. Every.Single.Time. Not that It was often, I use another app to view your vids :)
    You replied to four comments of mine ("it's realllllllly good cake! :P") and congratulated me for my birthday, 5 march. On that last one, I "fanboyed" and replyed with a kinda big text how I loved you.
    Yes, It is nice to receive replies from you, but, please, take care of yourself. Keep replying, but don't overdo it so much. We want you healthy :)

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  9. Hi Heather. I found your channel quite recently (a couple days ago)...and every video turns my asmr on...I had this since ever (I remember falling asleep when getting my haircut as a child)...

    Anyway, I know what you are going through...that feeling of "fangirl" you talk about...
    I got this first time when a comment I made at DavidMeshow channel got like a thousand thumbs up and a lot of people talking about, so David himself wrote to my inbox and I had a couple words with him, it was magical.

    I feel sad about your problem...hope your arm and hand gets better...

    I'm a boy...I have this ASMR AND Asperger as well...so I'm kinda "special"...
    I can't understand sarcasm very well (but I use it), and have some problems living the normal world...your videos are like a medicine, that I use to disconnect from this world and live a dream a little bit...so thanks for your job, and please take care and get healthy...

    Good vibes and feelings from Brazil...

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  10. Heather wished me happy birthday, Heather wished me happy birthday! Yeah, I "fangirl" too :D
    And Troll Cat.. Aww, I love Troll Cat <3

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  11. Haha lol, I always felt kind of guilty when I would leave a comment to you because I knew that you would respond to it. You are only human. One day we will all be connected via the matrix, so until then, just rest ur little hands and smile =p

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  12. Hey Heather,
    Well, I cannot tell you how much better this post makes me feel. I wrote to you (via the 'tube) and when you didn't reply I felt kind of unloved. I know that sounds weird, but seeing as you are a sensitive soul too I think you understand. Also I have BPD, so that sucks... But, you have replied to my comments before so s'all good! hehe Anyway, like I have said before, I promise I'm not stalking you! I just feel a sort of kin with you. Again, sounds weird. I know! But I feel like we would be good friends if we knew each other in real life (I even rant on and on like you =P).
    Feel free to drop me a line any time!
    Ashley B.
    Oh, also, I made a little something for you! Just follow the yellow brick ro... uh, I mean this link; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wEJVWI8gqQ
    Be sure to read the description and tell me what you think. <3

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  13. I was the same way when you wrote back to me. I was with my friend and I was all pumped up "A youtube star just replied to me!", "it's one of those whisper people huh?" I ignored him. It was still great. I guess it's not whether the mainstream fame, but how much a person means to us. You're stunning at what you do Heather, Love the videos, Hope everything is well with you!
    Your Fan,
    Marcos

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  14. It beautiful what you do and i rarly see and know of people that do do that in ways moving keep at at chin up and remeber sun doeasn't always shine but for brief moments.....pure bliss if even for secounds.

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